09 April 2017

My Story, My Struggle with Depression

Today I am going to set fashion aside. I want to share something personal with you. I’m going to get really vulnerable with each and everyone of you. Giving you a glimpse behind the clothes, the makeup, and behind the lens. My entire life I have battled with anxiety and depression.
I’ve never written that on paper before. . . Definitely more difficult admitting it on paper and even out loud. Even more difficult sharing that with you. When I was about 10 years old, I would have moments of unhappiness; not knowing why. When I became a teenager those unhappy feelings and foggy thoughts kept clouding my brain. I became an unhappy person. I would lash out, eat less, even skipping school for days (sorry mom); even sleep for days sometimes. There was a tiny moment where I thought it was just a phase. Telling myself “What’s wrong with you?! You are one crazy girl. Get it together!” I forced myself to be happy on the outside-always smiling-but deep down I felt like I was drowning. There were moments where i just didn't want to be alive anymore. There were some very dark moments..but, day by day, prayer by prayer, I was wishful in hoping that this darkness of unhappiness would leave. That one day I would wake up and feel alive, happy, and energized. “What’s wrong with me God?” I’d asked myself over and over. I tended to hide behind people. Mainly the relationships I had with my family and friends. I would push people away. I drove my family insane. They always wondered what was wrong with me and why I was always unhappy. I didn’t know why either. . . What was a teenage girl supposed to say? My life was amazing. My life is still amazing. I had parents and siblings who loved me. I had a wonderful home. Today, I have a spectacular husband and one beautiful baby girl, Alaina. When I gave birth, I hit rock bottom. Now, hit the breaks. I’m not insinuating I didn’t want to be a mother or regretted anything. I ended up being so anxious that my depression got worse. At this point in my life, my depression became like a bad gas leak. Affecting everyone around me. I decided it was time to receive some help. I saw a therapist. She was beyond helpful. She taught me many ways to cope with my anxiety and depression. For a time, I even tried medication. But, it wasn't for me. I’ve had my ups and downs. I’m not perfect. I even had this idealistic view of what I’m supposed to be; I hold myself to these standards that I try to reach. I’m imperfect in dealing with depression. Imperfect with these daily demons. Imperfect with my relationships. It’s been a journey. We all have our “things” we deal with. Mine happens to be depression and anxiety. Depression is difficult. But, depression doesn't stop me from experiencing real love. Loving myself in a new light. Loving my beautiful daughter and husband. Loving my parents and siblings. Loving who I become everyday. I learn every day, maybe forever. But depression doesn't stop me from being a mother, wife, or sister. It doesn't stop me from sharing my passion and love for fashion. I wanted to share a little bit of myself because I want to shed some light on real human problems. We are all human. We all deal with our own battles. It doesn't matter how someones life can be portrayed as “perfect.” Now, for anyone struggling with anxiety and/or depression, you’re not alone. If you are at a point in your life where you are seeking help, do it. I know its not as easy as it sounds. It took me years. There is light for everyone. There are people willing to help you. So thank you to everyone who’s been a part of this journey with me. Who are the path beneath my feet and keep me grounded. Life is beautiful.

1 comment:

  1. You are such a strong, beautiful and courageous woman. Keep shining and thank you for sharing your story ❤